Good Days and Bad Days

Today started as a bad day.  The reality that Josh has cancer comes in waves.  This morning when he woke up he said that for a second he forgot then quickly thought "oh yeah, I have cancer.  It wasn't a dream."  That broke my heart.  He seems to get weaker and more tired everyday.  I had to help him shower this morning as he couldn't get his incision sight wet.  He is very sore where they took the bone yesterday.

This morning was his scheduled blood transfusion.  We had to get up early as it takes a little longer to get ready for the day now.  We grabbed a few snacks, iphones and ipad and were out the door around 7:30am.  We were asked to be at the Oncology Center at 8am.  On our way in the elevator there was another man headed for infusions too.  We told him we weren't sure where we were going and he was very happy to help.  As we walked into the center we could tell that it was another friendly place.  The patients and nurses all seemed to know each other.  We could hear them make little inside jokes and comments to one another.  This gave me comfort somehow.  It felt as though this was a little club that now we were to be apart of and truly welcome.

It was a small center with about 15 large Lazyboy type chairs.  Every chair or station had an IV pump and stand, a visitor's chair, blood pressure machine and TV.  It was somewhat familiar to us as we've been to a place similar many times before while I was being treated while pregnant with Hudson.

I think Josh was nervous.  He seemed a little jittery and still hates needles.  So when the nurse told us there was a mix up in the paperwork as simple as Josh Christensen vs. Joshua Christensen didn't match and we would need to have new blood drawn and processed, he was pretty frustrated.  The nurses were so patient and gentle.  I am continually amazed at their level of care.  They redrew his blood and sent it down to the bank.  Then we waited.  It took over 2 hours.  Josh took the time to try and rest and listened to the music in his headphones.  Finally, the blood arrived and we started the transfusion.  He had 2 bags of blood and it took about 4 hours once we started.

During the transfusion we just waited.  Josh spent the majority of the time with his eyes closed listening to his music.  I read some of the many packages of literature we've been given on leukemia and CML.  We fiddled on our phones and really just tried not to think to much.  Josh still has a good appetite and ate a huge sandwich for lunch.  His continued appetite is a welcome behavior.

After the transfusion we headed home to an empty house.  I think that feels like a blessing and a curse.  It's been such a blessing to have so much help with our kids, but a quiet house just doesn't feel right sometimes and it brings reality to our hearts.  Josh's mom has been amazing and we could not do this without her.  I know the kids love being with her and I could not ever say thank you enough.  We rested most of the afternoon.  It was nice to recoup (the baby's been sick and not sleeping through the night) and we needed to rest.  Josh's brother came to visit on his way home from work.  Josh perked up and I could really notice more color in his face.  Jeremy is great in that he is able to joke and poke at Josh and be just like an older brother should.  I appreciate this and so does Josh.  After Jeremy left Josh seemed to turn a corner and had more energy and pep.  He called an old friend and seemed a lot like the old Josh.  We spent the remainder of the night chatting, laughing and catching up on our DVR together.  It has been some of my favorite time since Monday.

Grandma stopped by at 8pm to drop off the baby and to get the kids ready to head to her house for the night.   Josh came downstairs, hugged them and visited for a while.  The kids definitely know there is something wrong and we've talked at their level on what cancer is and what that means for us.  But, the distractions are what have helped so much.  Sleepovers, friends, new meals each night, women in the ward sending them to school.  It feels as though there is an army surrounding us and helping anywhere they can.  I could never say thank you enough.  It's been such a blessing to be able to be by Josh's side for everything.  We are a couple.  There is no one I would rather do this with.  I'm so grateful that he felt me worthy to be his wife for eternity.  We've always felt as ours was a special bond.  I love this man and know that I will just continue to grow in my love for him through this.

Now, it's just a waiting game.  We wait for bone results.  We wait for the anemia to get better.  We wait for a plan.  We wait for all this to feel normal.