Angel among us.

It's been a couple days since I've posted. Sorry. But there has not been much to report.
Monday was the first day all on our own. I thought I was ready. I thought, why shouldn't I be able to handle the kids and everything by myself? I was very wrong. The day started fine and I was able to get the kids on the bus. Josh, the baby and I had a very lazy morning. Soon, Josh got restless and wanted to get out. We headed to target for a few small things we had run out of and to get the Easter shopping for the kids done. Poor Josh only lasted about 15 minutes then had to find the lawn chair section to sit down. He stayed there until I was ready to check out. It's hard for me to see him have to sit so many things out. It's hard for him too. He has never been one to want to miss anything. I checked out and the was our big outing of the day.
The day times are not too bad. The baby sleeps in the afternoon and has been watching way too much Mickey Mouse Club House. It's after the kids get home that the drama really starts. Some of you know that Noah has struggled with some mental illness.. This past years has been full of trying to find the right combination of medicines for him. He has not been officially diagnosed as BiPolar (they wouldn't do that yet at his age) but has been medically treated as such. He also is treated for high anxiety. Josh and I have always had to be completely hands on to help him through the day. Homework is a nightmare. Monday was more of the same in that area. I was trying to get dinner, homework, baseball practice, a screaming 18 month old and whining tired kindergartener through the evening. Normally this would be hard, but doable. But this past Monday it felt like an impossible feat. I felt so alone. So tired. So outnumbered. Josh said "I was being kicked while I was down." It sucked. That's when Satan really digs in. I felt doubt in Josh's prognosis. I felt complete fear for the coming days and weeks. I felt that life would never be good again. I felt utterly defeated with no fight left. I balled up on the couch and stared into nothing. I was too numb to cry, think, move. I laid there for hours. I didn't want Josh to see me like that. I'm supposed to be his rock. I'm supposed to keep his spirits up. Finally I went upstairs. Josh was awake. All he said was "how ya doing?". I lost it. I cried and fell beside him on the bed. He just held me and let me cry. He knows me so well. I don't know why I tried to hide anything. He wants to be there for me too. We are going through this together. I couldn't keep up this pace. But I don't know what to ask for help with. Do you need help with the laundry? No, I can run a load, but I don't. Do you need help with child care? No, Mickey Mouse is doing just fine. Do you need help with housework? No, I should be able to mop the floor, I just haven't done it. I shouldn't NEED help, but how come I do? It told Josh that I would try again tomorrow and if I failed miserably again then I would reevaluate how and what help I needed.
The next morning my sister called. I tried to explain that I was ok. I don't think she bought any of it. Sisters just know. She said she would be here that night. I've never felt more grateful and guilty at the same time in all my life. I don't have my mom or dad. I have often felt that I was on my own. My sister made me remember that I didn't have to be.
Our Angel arrived last night at 10:30pm. She has changed everything. I feel like she knows what we need even before I do. The kids love her and she can make Josh laugh like no one else. The stress level has dropped dramatically and the peace in our home has increased. It's amazing to have my own family member in my corner. She has my back, no matter what, and that's a new feeling for me. I will be so sad to see her go on Sunday but forever grateful and humbled that she came. Thanks Jessie.
With Jessie here Josh's stress has lessened too. I think he is not so worried about me. He went for a massage today and that did wonders. Best $55 I've ever spent. I think he will need to go weekly for a while. Josh's goal all day was to rest so he could make it to Noah's first baseball game tonight. He made it. He was so proud of his son who shares the same childhood passion that he did. He even was able to play catch with Noah for a little bit. It made my heart burst.

While at the game I got a call from the Oncologist. I called earlier to get some questions answered and he was calling me back. Good news right now is Josh has a 2%-3% blast count. What that means is that his leukemia is in the early stages! Yay! We had been worried that some of his symptoms pushed us into a more dangerous stage of CML. But according to his latest blood results he is far from that! Also, his hemoglobin is up! Another huge victory! We are so blessed.
Tomorrow is scheduled for more lab tests and Friday our bone test results should be ready for our Oncology appointment. Friday is the big day. We plan to make a plan for treatment going forward and get Josh on the road to recovery. Dr. Steinberg said that we could see him feeling better in as early as a few weeks after treatment is started. We continue to pray and have faith that the Lord knows our hearts.