Miracles and Blessings

This cancer thing is a roller coaster of emotions. It dips and turns and brings the unexpected, but also has some great moments of smile and laughter. First off, Josh is doing great! We did lessen the dose to half of what he had before and remarkably, MIRACULOUSLY, he had no side effects. NONE. This is a huge victory in that it looks like we will be able to continue Tasigna...we just have to figure out the right amounts. He is not as tired as he once was and continues to have a good appetite, though you wouldn't know it, he is still really skinny for Josh. We need you all to know that we feel your prayers. We have seen them answered and continue to see our friends and family around us be the Lords hands. They have lifted us up when we are low and have brought help where we didn't even know we needed yet. Every time I begin to feel like I can start doing everything on my own, they come to rescue me when I realize that it's all too soon. I feel as though my friends know me better than I know myself. But the real truth is that my Father in Heaven knows me better than I know myself and prompts those around me to come to my aid. I know that we are receiving support and love from both friends and family here on earth and from angels beyond the veil as well. We are truly blessed. At times we are able to look at this cancer as a huge blessing-at times. My goal is to be able to forever think of this trial as not a trial at all but a time when we were nearest to the Lord, nearest to each other, nearest to our friends and family. I want it to be a dear memory, not something to be forgotten. However, this absolute acceptance will have to be a future goal. Some days now are very hard. Gut wrenching and tormenting. Some days it feels like our house is under a dark cloud. There is a thick sadness in the air. There is fear, doubt, worry, stress, anger and grief, all the things that Satan would have us feel and definitely not what God intends us to feel now. We fear the future, doubt the present and grieve the past. Sometimes we want our old lives back. We want to go to a time before cancer. We had our own plans for the future. We had just booked a surprise family trip to Disneyland (May 6-10th) that Josh had been given from work as an award. We were going to rip up our backyard and redo the lawn that the moles and weeds have destroyed. Josh wanted it done for Hudson this year. We were looking forward to spring break with the kids. A few days before "cancer day" we had sat down with the kids and all had a great time making lists of what we wanted to do. We had our own plans. We've learned that the Lord has his own plans. I've learned that many times before, but I guess I'm too stubborn to remember. When I look back at when my mom died, that tragedy, over time, brought me some of the biggest and brightest blessings and opportunities of my life. I'm learning that the Lord's plan is better for me than I know because he knows me. He knows my potential. And my potential reaches far beyond anything I can ever imagine. So, I guess what I am saying is that I need more faith. I need faith that on the other side of this deep, dense forest is a beautiful bright meadow that I didn't even know existed and is infinitely better than the field I was aiming for. I, we, just need faith. Our small faith has already allowed for large, unbelievable miracles. What could a little more faith do?